Religious jokes

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what

portion of the
weekly collection they kept for themselves. The
first priest
explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a
few
paces back and pitched the money towards the circle.
What
landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the
circle god
kept.
The second priest claimed that his method was almost the
same,
except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest
and
the money that landed inside the circle god kept.
The rabbi said,
"I've got you both beat. I throw the money
into the air and what god
wants, god takes."

 

What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas ? Ince pies !

Read more!

What did the Abominable Snowman do after he had had his teeth pulled out? He ate the dentist.

Read more!

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs --- unless they're a legitimate business expense.

Read more!

The brain is a wonder ful thing Why do you say that ? Because it starts working the second you get up in the morning and never stops until you get asked a question in class !

Read more!

Where did vampires go to first in America? New-fang-land.

Read more!

A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?" No Morris!" she responded. Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?" "Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!" Now Morris laughs. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?" "Oy Morris I forgot that one too!" Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris, "So what are you smiling and laughing about? Morris responds, "They'll find us."

Read more!

The church was conducting its annual fund drive. One member of the congregation said, "I give ten dollars." Just then, a piece of plaster fell from the ceiling and landed on his head. He spoke up again quickly. "I give a thousand dollars!" The minister said, "Lord, hit him again!"

Read more!

Who was the best actor in the bible ? Samson, he brought the house down !

Read more!

What is the first thing that vampires learn at school? The alphabat.

Read more!

Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy

Read more!

What did the astronaut see on his skillet? Unidentified frying (flying) objects.

Read more!

Customer: Give me a hot dog. Waiter: With pleasure. Customer: No, with mustard.

Read more!

A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient. "Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?" asked the psychiatrist. "As a matter of fact, I do," said the patient. "And when does this happen?" asked the psychiatrist. "Oh," said the patient, "when I answer the telephone."

Read more!

Q:What did one plate say to the other plate? A:('Lunch is on me!')

Read more!

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

Read more!

A huge American car screeched to a halt in a sleepy English village, and the driver called out to a local inhabitant, "Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare's birthplace?" "Ay, straight on, sir," said the rustic, "but no need to hurry. He's dead."

Read more!

First Caribou: What kind of math do owls like? Second Caribou: Owlgebra.

Read more!

Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!

Read more!

Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamber pot. The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car. As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."

Read more!

Yo mama so bald you can see whats on her mind

Read more!