Political jokes

QUESTION: How long does a United States
Congressman serve?
ANSWER: Until he gets caught.

 

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest. "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

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Teacher: If I gave you three rabbits today and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you have? Jackie: Nine. Teacher: That's not right, you'd have eight. Jackie: No, Teacher, I'd have nine. I already have one rabbit at home!

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Two aliens from outer space landed in Las Vegas and were wandering around the casinos. One of them volunteered to go inside and see what was happening. He came out looking rather shocked. "What's the matter?" asked his friend. "It's a very popular place," replied the first alien. "It's full of creatures that keep throwing up little metal discs."

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Fred came home from his first day at school. "Nothing exciting happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her"

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Why did a gambler scare everyone out swimming? He was a card shark!

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What's long, green and goes hith ? A snake with a lisp !

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Patient: Tell me honestly, how am I? Dentist: Your teeth are fine, but your gums will have to come out.

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Why did the vampire have pedestrian eyes? They looked both ways before they crossed.

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Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good, but where is the wagon ? Pupil: The horse will draw it !

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Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Er, two. Or maybe one. No --- on second thoughts, make that two. Is that okay with you?

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What did the naughty rabbit leave for Easter? Deviled eggs!

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A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like. Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

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Policeman: Why didn't you check your speedometer? Driver: It broke when I hit 100.

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Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident, and called from the hospital about the four casts.

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Yo mama so bald you can see whats on her mind

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How do rain drops marry? -They coalesce

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A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices. The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000." The client asked, "What? How's that possible?" The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

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A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

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Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches? They prefer cricket matches!

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Why did the witch wear a green felt pointed hat? So she could walk across snooker tables without being seen.

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