Parent jokes

Father:
" I know the answer to your bad
grades. You're spending too much time
watching television."
Son:
" I'm sorry, you'll have to phrase that in the form of a

question."

 

Patient: Doctor, you have to help me stop talking to myself. Doctor: Why is that? Patient: I'm a salesman and I keep selling myself things I don't want.

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What tea do footballers drink? Penaltea!

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How does a vampire enter his house? Through the bat flap.

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Tourist: The flies are awfully thick around here. Don't you ever shoo them? Native: No, we just let them go barefoot.

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What did the customer say to the pet shop assistant after buying a bunny? Rabbit up nicely, it's a gift!

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If the State of the Union is really "the best it's ever been" Why do we "need" dozens of new government programs to fix it!

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Where does a snowman put his birthday candles? On his birthday flake!

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A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had died in the act of making love. "How awful !" exclaimed the wife. "Si, but what a great way to spend eternity." added the husband.

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Where did the meteorologist stop for a drink on the way home from a long day in the studio? The nearest ISOBAR!!

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The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?" "What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

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How does a mama pig put her piglets to sleep? She reads them pig tales.

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Examiner: I think you know very little, if anything at all, about the Bible. Can you quote any passage? Student: 'Judas departed and went and hanged himself.' Examiner: Well, that's a surprise. Can you quote another? Student: 'Go thou and do likewise.'

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What helps keep your teeth together? Toothpaste.

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Who robs banks and squirts ink? Billy the Squid.

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Customer: Why does your sign say "Fine Dining"? Waiter: We can dream, can't we?

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Who is the fastest runner in history. Adam - because he was the first in the human race.

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What kind of music do phones love to hear? A symphony

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Why did the vampire take up acting? It was in his blood.

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How do hurricanes see? -With one eye

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Have you heard about the goodweather witch? She's forecasting sunny spells.

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