Men jokes

Q.
How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By
sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

 

Igor: Only this morning Dr Frankenstein completed another amazing operation. He crossed an ostrich with a centipede. Dracula: And what did he get? Igor: We don't know - we haven't managed to catch it yet.

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What do you call a mouse that can pick up a monster? Sir.

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What did the mama pig say to her bad little piglet? "Behave or Frankenswine will get you."

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O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest. "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

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Teacher: If I gave you three rabbits today and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you have? Jackie: Nine. Teacher: That's not right, you'd have eight. Jackie: No, Teacher, I'd have nine. I already have one rabbit at home!

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Two aliens from outer space landed in Las Vegas and were wandering around the casinos. One of them volunteered to go inside and see what was happening. He came out looking rather shocked. "What's the matter?" asked his friend. "It's a very popular place," replied the first alien. "It's full of creatures that keep throwing up little metal discs."

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Fred came home from his first day at school. "Nothing exciting happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her"

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Why did a gambler scare everyone out swimming? He was a card shark!

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Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common ? A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from !

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Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?" And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"

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What's long, green and goes hith ? A snake with a lisp !

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Patient: Tell me honestly, how am I? Dentist: Your teeth are fine, but your gums will have to come out.

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Why did the vampire have pedestrian eyes? They looked both ways before they crossed.

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Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good, but where is the wagon ? Pupil: The horse will draw it !

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Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Er, two. Or maybe one. No --- on second thoughts, make that two. Is that okay with you?

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A psychologist returned from a confrence in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permited to ski for free. Her husband asked her, "How it went?". She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips."

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What did the naughty rabbit leave for Easter? Deviled eggs!

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A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like. Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

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Policeman: Why didn't you check your speedometer? Driver: It broke when I hit 100.

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Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident, and called from the hospital about the four casts.

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