Men jokes

Q.
How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By
sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

 

How do hens encourage their football teams? They egg them on!

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A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. "Now what should I do?" His mother has an idea. "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. " I was humiliated," he groaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes." " What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. " We hadn't started eating yet."

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Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Bach ! Bach who ? Bach to work!

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The food in our school canteen is perfect. If your a bug!

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Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats? They might be cheetahs!

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I was in the zoo last week. Really? Which cage were you in?

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This is the difference between a lousy Golfer and a lousy Parachutist. The lousy Golfer goes splash then damn. The lousy Parachutist goes damn then splash.

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There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat. Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"

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Teacher : What are you doing, crawling into school ten minutes late ? Pupil : Well you told me never to walk into school ten minutes late !

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Brother: What kind of sharks never eat women ? Sister: Man-eating sharks.

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Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to attend. The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most trustworthy students. The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible to send a dozen or so of the other kind?"

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Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays. Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to look at *other* people's lights.

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Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1? A: For spare parts.

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Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions ? Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here !

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What do you give a sick snake ? Asp-rin !

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Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space? Because there is no atmosphere!

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What is a runner's favourite subject in school? Jog-raphy!

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Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM." "Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's should er again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

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How does a vampire enter his house? Through the bat flap.

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