Idiot and fool jokes

Loomis: Does your dog have a license?
Fenton: Hell, no! I do all the
drivin'.

 

Who is the most powerful ghoul? Judge Dread.

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What do you get if you cross a plum with a man eating monster? A purple people eater.

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What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas ? Ince pies !

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What did the Abominable Snowman do after he had had his teeth pulled out? He ate the dentist.

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Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs --- unless they're a legitimate business expense.

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When a small Montana village decided to buy a new fire truck, the town council met to decide what to do with the old one. Randall, an old rancher, stood up. "Ah think we should keep the old truck," he said. "We can use it for all them false alarms!"

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Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose. Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them." Murphy said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."

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Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? A. So they can find their way back to the house.

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Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.

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Why do pigs like February 14th? They get lots of Valenswines.

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The brain is a wonder ful thing Why do you say that ? Because it starts working the second you get up in the morning and never stops until you get asked a question in class !

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Where did vampires go to first in America? New-fang-land.

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A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?" No Morris!" she responded. Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?" "Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!" Now Morris laughs. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?" "Oy Morris I forgot that one too!" Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris, "So what are you smiling and laughing about? Morris responds, "They'll find us."

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Army Ant ! Army Ant who ? Army Ants coming for tea then ?

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What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak ? Mouse code !

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Are you getting older and wiser? No, he's getting older and wider!

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Why did the piglets get in trouble in their biology class? They ate all the specimens.

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The church was conducting its annual fund drive. One member of the congregation said, "I give ten dollars." Just then, a piece of plaster fell from the ceiling and landed on his head. He spoke up again quickly. "I give a thousand dollars!" The minister said, "Lord, hit him again!"

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Who was the best actor in the bible ? Samson, he brought the house down !

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What is the first thing that vampires learn at school? The alphabat.

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