Ghost jokes

What sort of violin does a
ghost play?
A
dreadivarius.

 

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered. "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

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Clown: Why are you wearing such a large shirt? Second Clown: I always perform in the big top.

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Since you've discovered the Internet, you don't pay any attention to me! Who said that?

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After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979." "You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly. "No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."

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My grandma has so many wrinkles she has to screw her hat on.

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What position does the pig play in football? Loinback.

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Police Chief: Why are you putting handcuffs on that building? Officer: I'm making a house arrest

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Where's Spiderman's home page? On the world wide web.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Amelia ! Amelia who ? Amelia a package last week - did you get it ? !

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Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? A: The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two.

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Q: What's the definition of a nerd? A: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.

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Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room ? A: They never know when to come in.

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Teacher: What's 2 and 2 Pupil: 4 Teacher: That's good Pupil: Good ?, that's perfect !

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Mother: How do you like your new teacher ? Son: I don't. She told me to sit up the front for the present and then she didn't give me one !

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Why do bears have fur coats ? Because they'd look stupid in anoraks !

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Waiter, can you get rid of this fly in my starter ! I can't do that sir, he's not had his main course yet !

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What's a big game hunter? Someone who's lost his way to the match.

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I hear you've been tracing your ancestors on the internet... Yes - and it's a mammoth task!

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How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? Only one if you run him through slowly!

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A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"

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