Food jokes

What do you get if you cross a bee with a quarter

of a pound of ground beef?
A humburger.

 

What did one frog say.to the other? Time's sure fun when you're having flies!

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What happens if you cross an Ape with an octopus? You get a fur coat with lots of sleeves!

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St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven. "Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler. "I was a good father," he answers. "Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance." St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon. At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let's get out of here."

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How do stones stop moths eating your clothes ? Because rolling stones gather no moths !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Bach ! Bach who ? Bach to work!

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Patient: Doctor, you have to help me stop talking to myself. Doctor: Why is that? Patient: I'm a salesman and I keep selling myself things I don't want.

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What tea do footballers drink? Penaltea!

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How does a vampire enter his house? Through the bat flap.

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Tourist: The flies are awfully thick around here. Don't you ever shoo them? Native: No, we just let them go barefoot.

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A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room." She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that. The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

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What did King Arthur sleep with when he was afraid of the dark? A knight light

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What's blue and sings alone? - Dan Ackroyd.

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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.

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A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts." He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

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A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper. She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is. The local person replies, "Oh, that is Beethoven. He's decomposing."

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What did the customer say to the pet shop assistant after buying a bunny? Rabbit up nicely, it's a gift!

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Customer: Why is my hairline receding? Barber: It's not. Your scalp is advancing.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Ann ! Ann who ? Ann-onymous !

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An airforce officer goes to heaven and at the gate St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of attmittance to heaven. The officer flyboy replies; yes, I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two seabees harrassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentelman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this seabee to stand down. St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act. The pilot replied; about 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!

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If the State of the Union is really "the best it's ever been" Why do we "need" dozens of new government programs to fix it!

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