Dirty jokes

Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a
condom?

A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.

 

My dog is great at math. Really ? Ask him how much is two minus two. But two minus two is nothing! That's what he'll answer, nothing!

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What's big and grey and lives in a lake in Scotland ? The Loch Ness Elephant !

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Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and*splat*... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but Iwanted to let you know instead of just driving off...." "Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could youdescribe him? What does he look like?" The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression. "Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like*before* you hit him?" At that, the man got up , covered his eyes with both hands and screamed"Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"

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Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.

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What goes zzub, zzub ? A bee flying backwards !

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How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm ? it has a blue light !

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What are spiders webs good for ? Spiders !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Belinda ! Belinda who ? Belinda church steeple !

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How many LA cops does it take to change light bulb? Six. One to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.

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What's the difference between a vampire with toothache and a rainstorm? One roars with pain and the other pours with rain.

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What do you call a telephone call from one vicar to another ? A parson to parson call !

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How do rain drops marry? -They coalesce

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Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.

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Q: How do you get a dog to stop barking in the back seat of a car? - A: Put him in the front seat.

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Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

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Q: How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None-there weren't any light bulbs in the 13th century.

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A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

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A man in a swimming pool was on the very top diving board. He poised, lifted his arms, and was about to dive when the attendant came running up, shouting, "Don't dive ? there's no water in that pool!" "That's all right," said the man. "I can't swim!"

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Calvin went to Pearson's Pet Shop to complain that his canary wouldn't sing. "File the beak just a little," said the owner, "and the bird will sing. But if you file it too much, the canary will die." Two weeks later Pearson ran into Calvin on the street and asked about his canary. "He died," said Calvin. "But I told you not to file the beak too much." "I didn't," explained Calvin, "but by the time I got him out of the vise, he was already dead."

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Blair ! Blair who ? Blair play !

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