Dirty jokes

Whats the definition of love,
true love, and
showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

 

Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery? 3 dollars a year for a million years.

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Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered. "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

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Clown: Why are you wearing such a large shirt? Second Clown: I always perform in the big top.

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Since you've discovered the Internet, you don't pay any attention to me! Who said that?

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After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979." "You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly. "No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."

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My grandma has so many wrinkles she has to screw her hat on.

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What position does the pig play in football? Loinback.

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Police Chief: Why are you putting handcuffs on that building? Officer: I'm making a house arrest

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How do you fit five elephants into a car ? Two in the front, two in the back and the other in the glove compartment !

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Where's Spiderman's home page? On the world wide web.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Amelia ! Amelia who ? Amelia a package last week - did you get it ? !

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Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? A: The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two.

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Q: What's the definition of a nerd? A: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.

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Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room ? A: They never know when to come in.

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Teacher: What's 2 and 2 Pupil: 4 Teacher: That's good Pupil: Good ?, that's perfect !

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Mother: How do you like your new teacher ? Son: I don't. She told me to sit up the front for the present and then she didn't give me one !

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Why do bears have fur coats ? Because they'd look stupid in anoraks !

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Waiter, can you get rid of this fly in my starter ! I can't do that sir, he's not had his main course yet !

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Why don't elephants like playing cards in the jungle ? Because of all the cheetahs !

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Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network. Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 h years ago were an even more advanced civilisation, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place.

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