Judge jokes

The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you

understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"
"I do."
"Do you
understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said
the witness. "My side will win."

 

The Captain was Jewish, and the new First Officer was Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that they didn't get along. After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, " I don't like Chinese. " The F.O. replied, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why is that? " The Captain said, " You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese. " The F.O. said, " Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That JAPANESE, not Chinese. " And the Captain answered, " Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're all alike. " Another 30 minutes of silence. Finally the First Officer said, " No like Jew. " The Captain replied, " Why not? Why don't you like Jews? " " Jews sink Titanic. " Said the F.O. The Captain tried to correct him, " No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg. " " Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah .. all same "

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The Ugly Hag by Ida Face

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What did they do to the burger who thought he was a rooster? Cook-a-doodle-do!

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Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

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Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did? A: A dead girlfriend.

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Why couldn't the cow leave the farm? She was pasteurized!

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An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples." "I won't be surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree".

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My Aunt Maud had so many candles on her last birthday cake that all her party guests got sunburnt !

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What's big and hairy and climbs up the Empire State Building in a dress? Queen Kong.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Bonnie ! Bonnie who ? Bonnie by soloflex !

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Visitor: You're very quiet, Jennifer. Jennifer: Well, my mum gave me a dollar not to say anything about your red nose.

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A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down." The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"

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How do you make a bandstand? Take away their chairs

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What does a snowman eat for dinner? Ice-burgers.

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What is old and ugly and can see just as well from both ends ? A witch with a blindfold !

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Once upon a time there were five apples Which was the cowboy? None - because they were all redskins.

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Why did your sister keep running around her bed ? Because she was trying to catch up with her sleep.

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Did you hear about the cannibal family who were caught spying by the witch-doctor? They were given a right roasting.

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A whole family was caught in a small boat during a sudden storm off the shores of Florida, but towed to safety in Fort Lauderdale by the ever alert U.S. Coast Guard. "I always knew God would take care of us," said the composed five year old daughter of the boat owner after the family got home. "I like to hear you say that," beamed the mother. "Always remember that God is in His heaven watching over us." "Oh, I wasn't talking about THAT God," the five year old interrupted. "I was talking about the COAST God."

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How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster ? Terrier-fied !

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