Judge jokes

The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you

understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"
"I do."
"Do you
understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said
the witness. "My side will win."

 

Me: "What is that noise?" Customer: "Hey Martinez!! I'm on the phone! Cut it out!" Me: "What was that?" Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Customer: "It's from a device." Me: "What kind of device?" Customer: "I don't know." Me: "Like a fax machine or something?" Customer: "I don't know. Someone is under house arrest or something."

Read more!

What did the parrot say when he was using the Internet? P.Cs of eight, P.Cs of eight.

Read more!

A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out. 'What's the matter?' she asked. 'It's my birthday!' he hollered. 'And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon there's to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards. . .' and he had to stop talking because he was crying so hard. 'But that's lovely,' said the old lady. 'Why are you crying?' 'Because I'm lost!'

Read more!

Sam left work after a tiring day. 'Take the bus home,' suggested a friend. 'My mother would only make me take it back,' Sam said.

Read more!

What happened to the cannibal lion? He had to swallow his pride!

Read more!

What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas ? Santa Claws !

Read more!

A police officer saw a man dressed as a cowboy in the street, complete with huge stetson hat, spurs, and six shooters. "Excuse me, sir," said the police officer, "who are you?" "My name's Tex, officer," said the cowboy. " eh?" said the police officer, "Are you from Texas?" "Nope, Louisiana." "Louisiana? So why are you called Tex?" "Don't want to be called Louise, do I .

Read more!

What did the little ghost eat for lunch? A booloney sandwich!

Read more!

Who is the most powerful ghoul? Judge Dread.

Read more!

What do you get if you cross a plum with a man eating monster? A purple people eater.

Read more!

What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas ? Ince pies !

Read more!

What did the Abominable Snowman do after he had had his teeth pulled out? He ate the dentist.

Read more!

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs --- unless they're a legitimate business expense.

Read more!

What do you call an ant who lives with your great uncle ? Your great-ant !

Read more!

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager.

Read more!

Is it proper to eat a hamburger with your fingers? No, you should eat your fingers separately!

Read more!

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them." "Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" "Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"

Read more!

Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton? A: Because he filed as head of the household.

Read more!

What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna

Read more!

When a small Montana village decided to buy a new fire truck, the town council met to decide what to do with the old one. Randall, an old rancher, stood up. "Ah think we should keep the old truck," he said. "We can use it for all them false alarms!"

Read more!