Birthday jokes

Grandma, is it exciting being 99?
It
certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.

 

What do cows like to listen to? Moo-sic!

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Who do zombie cowboys fight? Deadskins.

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Victim (to mugger): But my watch isn't any good, it only has sentimental value. Mugger: That's all right. I'm sentimental.

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Q. Why did the line dancer cross the dance floor? A. To get to the other (Electric) Slide!

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I was so sorry to hear you buried your mother last week. Well, we had to, you know, she was dead.

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A gorilla was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing. The gorilla roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?'and the deer replied, 'Oh, you are, Master.' The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. The gorilla roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?' and the zebra replied, 'Oh, you are, Master.' The gorilla walked off pleased. Then he came across an elephant. 'Who is the king of the jungle?' he roared. With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him. The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Okay, okay, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer.'

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What would you get if you crossed a monster with a Thanksgiving dessert? Bumpkin pie!

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What can a monster do that you can't do? Count up to 25 on his fingers.

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Tad looked up from the book on ancient history he was reading and asked his father, "Pop, what's a millennium?" "Well," he muttered, "I think it's something like a centennial, only it has more legs!"

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What's a snake's favourite food ? Hiss Cakes !

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What is the most famous shark? William Sharkspeare!

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Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.

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Did you hear about the two little boys who found themselves in a modern art gallery by mistake ? 'Quick,' said one, 'run ! Before they say we did it !

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Tipton and Baldwin shared a room on the North Carolina campus. One day Tipton came in and said to his roommate, "I hear there's a new case of herpes in the dorm." "Great!" said Baldwin. "I was getting tired of 7-Up!"

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Why did the cowboy's car stop? It had Injun (engine) trouble.

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"Tell me," said the hiker to the local farmer, "will this pathway take me to the main road?" "No, sir," replied the farmer, "you'll have to go by yourself!"

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Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them!

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What do you get when you cross a bell with a bee? A humdinger.

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You need to log on to the window repair website! I did - but it gave me a pane!

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What do internet football fans sing? E we go E we go, E we go!

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