Birthday jokes

Grandma, is it exciting being 99?
It
certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.

 

The Japenese Way of Death by Harri Kirri

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A cannibal chief was just about to stew his latest victim for dinner when the man protested, "You can't eat me ? I'm the manager!" "Well," said the cannibal, "soon you'll be a manager in chief."

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Q: How is a penis like fishing? A: The small ones you throw back, the medium ones you eat, and the larger ones you mount.

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A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there an ything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

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What do you call a man with a kilt over his head ? Scott !

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A guy rings his boss and says "I can't come to work today The boss asks why and the guy says "it's my eyes." "What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss. "I just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead..."

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Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? A. Put the remote control between his toes.

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Q.How is a heart like a musician? A.They both have a beat :)

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Why can't you trust snakes ? They speak with forked tongues !

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1st Roman Soldier: What is the time ? 2nd Roman Soldier: XX past VII !

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What did Cinderella Dolphin where to the ball? Glass flippers!

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Did you hear about the new shark food restaurant called Jaws? It costs an arm and a leg to eat there!

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Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"

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What happened when the cannibal got a religion? He only ate Catholics on Fridays!

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The train was about to pull out of the station. Swinging a large bag, a young man managed to reach the train, throw his bag in and climb aboard, gasping for air. seeking at him, another man said, "Young man, you should be in better shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and still be fresh. Look at you, panting away." The young man took a deep breath and said, "Pop, I missed this train at the *last* station."

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What noise does a cat make going down the highway ? Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow !

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How to you know that cows will be in heaven? It's a place of udder delight.

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Where do Danish cows come from? Cowpenhagenf

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What jumps up and down in front of a car ? Froglights !

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Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!

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