Birthday jokes

Grandma, is it exciting being 99?
It
certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.

 

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous." WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor." HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" WIFE: "In the pool."

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Whats black and white and red all over? A nun in a car accident.

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What did the big carburettor say to the little carburettor? "Don't inhale so fast or you'll choke."

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What's the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother? An Italian mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill you." A Jewish mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill myself."

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What are pupils at ghost schools called? Ghoulboys and ghoulgirls.

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What happens if you cross an Ape with an octopus? You get a fur coat with lots of sleeves!

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When can you dive in a swimming pool and not get your hair wet ? When your bald !

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At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women: Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea." Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?" Defendant: "No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors."

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Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards. Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.

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The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat. The next day at the university, a colleague asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope. "It was okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"

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Why are snakes hard to fool ? They have no legs to pull !

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Where do astronauts leave their spaceships? At parking meteors.

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How does a vampire enter his house? Through the bat flap.

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Why did God invent shopping carts? To teach women how to walk on their hind legs.

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Making Snacks by San Widge

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Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses? A: He's afraid of the draft.

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Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician? A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

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What does a bald elephant wear for a toupee? A sheep.

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Q: What do you call an Inibrian who has been buried for 1000 years? A: Peat!!!

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Amber ! Amber who ? Amber-sting to come in !

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