Birthday jokes

Grandma, is it exciting being 99?
It
certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.

 

Why did the blonde cross the road? I don't know. Neither did she!

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How did the woman feel when she got run over by a car? Tired.

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Where do milk shakes come from? Nervous cows!

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Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled? Dentist: With pain $200 and without pain $100. Patient: Well, without pain it's cheaper. Pull it WITHOUT pain. Without anesthesia neither anything, the dentist begins to extract the tooth, when the patient outcry: Aaaahhhhhhhh !!!!! Hey, WITH pain it costs $200 !!!, replies the dentist.

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Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.

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How did the Chihuahua disappear on the road? It was using a hide-'n-go-seekle!

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Knock Knock Who's there ! C's ! C's who ? C's the day !

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Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

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What happened to Frankenstein's stupid son? He had so much wax in his ears that he became a permanent contributor to Madame Tussaud's.

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Mama Pig has a great, new kitchen appliance that lets her prepare meals ahead. It's called a garbage compactor.

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Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws? A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that

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What are hurricanes with a central dense overcast over the eye called? -Hurricanes with cataracts

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Q) How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather? A) He's got bugs on his teeth.

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How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold ? He has cat-arrh !

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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands directly next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating her snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too."

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A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

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Mad men are given a test to prove they are getting normal their teacher draws a door on the wall and orders them to go out. They tart fighting but one remains sitting and the teacher goes to him and asks why he didn't join others and he says "let them fight they forgot I have the keys"

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Reporter: My editor sent me to do the burglary. Policeman: You're too late - it's already been done.

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An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out. When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

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Why are parents boring? Because they're groan-ups.

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