Book title jokes

Aches and
Pains by Arthur Ritis

 

The young lad had applied for a job, and was asked his full name. "Aloysius Montmorency Geoghan," he replied. "How do you spell that?" asked the manager. "Er ? sir ? er ? can't you just put it down without spelling it?"

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What's another name for a clever duck ? A wise quacker !

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Why did you hit your birthday cake with a hammer? Because you said it was pound cake!

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My sister's a really bad driver. What makes you say that? Every time she goes out in the car, Dad puts a glass panel in the floor so that she can see who she's run over.

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A boy sat on a train chewing gum and staring vacantly into space, when suddenly an old woman sitting opposite said, 'It's no good you talking to me, young man, I'm stone deaf !'

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Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman? A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

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Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel well. That's quite enough out of you!

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Doctor, Doctor I'm having trouble with my breathing. I'll give you something that will soon put a stop to that!

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Which dog looks like a cat? A police dog in disguise.

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Where do fish wash ? In a river basin !

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Does your mum like shopping on the Internet? No, the trolley keeps rolling off the top of the computer.

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Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called? A: The whine cellar.

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Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle. Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.

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What question must always be answered, "Yes"? "What does Y-E-S spell?"

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Zoo Keeper:"I've lost one of my elephants" Other Zoo Keeper:"Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" Zoo Keeper:"Don't be silly, he can't read!"

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Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? A: It's all in the grip.

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Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in hell does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'" The old man answers, "Is name of owner." The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here," replies the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" "Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'Wh at your name?'" "I say Sem Ting."

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A German woman is walking down the street. Eleven blonde guys walk up and attack her. She screams, ''Nein! Nein!'' So two guys walk away.

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A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. "I was only going 40!" the driver protested. "Not according to my radar," the trooper said. "Yes, I was!" the man shouted back. "No you weren't!" the trooper said. With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, 'Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

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A fellow was following a truck in heavy traffic. Every block or so, when they were stopped at a stop light, the driver of the truck would jump out of the cab with a big stick and bang on the side of the cargo bay. He'd then jump back into the cab in time to drive away when the signal changed. The first fellow observed this for several miles, until he could stand it no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped out with the stick, the first fellow jumped out and ran up to him. "I'm sorry to bother you," he said, over the din of the banging, "but I am very curious; could you tell me what you are doing?" Without breaking rhythm, the truck driver replied, "Sure, Mac. Ya see, this here's a six-ton truck but I've got eight tons of canaries aboard, so I've gotta keep two ton of them flying all the time so I don't break an axle".

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